A Suddenly Noticed Absence....Creativity is but fleeting.

I opened this document hours ago. However, I kept getting side tracked and now this post is going to be something very different than what I intended.

Original idea? I was going to talk about music. I probably still will write that entry because it gnaws at me being all the time. But for now? A more immediate story/concern.

Money.

Girls shouldn't talk about money and politics, they only make fools of themselves? You may be right about some people, but I am not going to talk about how it works or what the right way of approaching it is. Im just going to talk about how I view it.

I hoard money, big time. Ive worked for as long as I can remember and have stockpiled obscene amounts of money through various other means. I dont say this to brag, but to prove a point.

I work because I love to. I love using my hands and earning a wage. Its the second most calm state of my being (after hiking, just for your information). But! I hate spending it on small things. I keep it and save it and spend it on big projects.

Like financing my high school's first musical in 50 years
Spending weeks doing service
Going on the 8th grade hiking trip
and possibly this summer, a new camera. An SLR. (if I buy it, trust me you will be treated to a post about that too)

and the other thing I like to spend my money on?
Other People.

Ill buy you something if I know it will make you happy. I love holidays because they give me an excuse to spend money on other people.

Ill buy food to make you a meal, a book because I think you will love it, supplies for a group event because I know it will make others smile, a silly gift that reminds you of an inside joke or will otherwise make you smile.

I live to see other people happy, to make other's lives better. Its selfish, really. I can not find happiness except through other people. I dont mean that in a super-depressed way, I just can't be alone and happy. ever.

Money to me is a pont of access. Ive been blessed with constantly having spare change around (or have just gotten good at being cheap elsewhere) and feel the need to spread the wealth, literally. There are things in life that take money.

Some of the best things don't take money, I know this for a fact now. But until I master being able to bring about change with out the all-governing green? I will be quick to share.

What brought this post on was a sharp change in enthusiasm. I thought I had finally found a way to make an individual happy. And yes, it required spending money, but really not that much. Their response to my enthusiastic explanation for a plan was simply: Don't. And it quite literally crushed me.

But now, as I type this, I can chose to take this another way. I can chose to say:

Fine! I'll take this as a challenge. How can I illicit the same response without spending a single penny (aside from postage, im hoping this friend will be willing to understand that obstacle).

I am not sure yet...I have a few ideas. Most of which rely on a few talents of mine that I have failed to nurture over the years and may make these ideas near impossible...

and that makes me even more irreversibly sad. I have relied on my hard earned money and opportunity too much and have lost what I could truly claim as my own. The only thing I have left is my ability to work hard....with no creativity to supplement.

lesson to be learned? Don't loose sight of your creative streak.

This is my new funk. It may not be conquerable.